I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
