the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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