this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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