Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
