Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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