she looked like the before picture.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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