Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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