I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
