I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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