im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
