I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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