i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You pole danced in your parka.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
