I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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