my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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