I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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