Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
