I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
