I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
