wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
