I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
