I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
