I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
