Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
