I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
