in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Never joke about your clitoris.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
