Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
