Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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