i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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