So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
