So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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