I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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