Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
