So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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