God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
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She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
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We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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