Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
