whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
