oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i've created a new STD.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
