i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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