The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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