seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
