it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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