I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
