Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
