i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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