I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
