Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
