The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
