we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
