So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
