so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
