is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am one with the molecules
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
