Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
