my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
