dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
