Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
