You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
it glows. i had to have it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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