Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
