he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Girls should come with a carfax report
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
