Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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