3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize