Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
