I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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