if you like me you must not know who I am
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
