remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
